I bought an orchid because I felt like I need a project. Sadly, it isn't really much of one, now that I have read up on it. I guess when it goes out of flower it will become a project, if I want it to flower again. In the meantime, it looks pretty.
I was thinking, another day, of what I would say at anyone's wake, like, different people. I guess I thought of it first because of the lava in Kowalski's impending doom. Kowalski wants to come visit us. He isn't working right now but at the same time feels well enough to drive across the country. I don't know.
His request made me laugh, and I told him to call Mari and work it out with him.
"Be prepared to answer the question of the dichotomy of how I can not show my face in your county of residence but you will arrive here, chastely."
He talked for a super-long time longer than normal & none of what he said was surprising.
"I understand why it is different, hon; I understand you. My husband may not, in fact."
I was instructed to inform my husband that he may well be dying. Well, get in line anyway & don't be a quitter besides. If you come, bring an instrument bc we're getting a piano, ahahaha!
Anyhow, once I was thinking of people's wakes, I could not stop.
You guys, don't be mad but I can't hardly think of one story which is relevant to any of our relationships I would share in mixed company. Like, you know, the story about the time [redacted] so I went to get the punch bowl from the top of the china cabinet and [redacted] but we got everything cleaned up and convinced [redacted] it was all a dream, but it actually really happened just like she always said before she [redacted], so it wasn't ever that we were in love, but we were co-conspirators, keeping our enemies closer, surprise!
I was telling Kowalski about this (why not because it was him who started it & get well, anyway) kind of at the time, to prove that I am preparing with great focus for any tasks in reluctant civility which might lie ahead, but wondering what the lack of appropriate material to share even says about me. I mean, even if I would share anything, if the material is not empirically objectionable, it is my story to hold for the other person, who would no longer speak for themselves. So naturally I would shut up anyway. :|
Kowalski said that none of this is surprising & in fact why people open up to me, they always have. Well, maybe so, but to me it's more like people share a little & I stay rooted to the spot, wishing they could stop, and in the presence of my silence, they keep talking. It is a nightmare, one I often & over again brought to a screeching halt by taking off my blouse for a start, which worked until it started again, the confessing, always terrifyingly more trenchant than before.
"Thanks," he said. "That's super-romantic."
Ok, well, sure. Let us wonder no more how I became so repellent after moving to a place where people know no boundaries and still.
People here are so easy to keep back because of their relentless competitiveness & self-delusion. Two days ago, I was asking a woman if she knew the approximate weight of the gold she was crowing to our whole gathering about selling, and she said, "Why, how would that help you?"
Which, ok, rude, question-with-a-question, are you eleven? But I said, matter-of-factly, that I would weigh the gold I was thinking of selling before I bothered to take a trip across the county. Keep up with this story!
She said, to me, "What?! Like on your food scale from Weight Watchers?"
I know, you're like, "What a bitch!" I was, too. Becalm yourself, I was all over it. I was reeling from the acid in her rejoinder, but used it to fuel my scathing reply.
"Oh, my gawd! Are you still baking by volume?!?"
Srsly, look how easy. Believe me when I tell you I guarantee she cried herself to sleep. Also, trust me when I tell you that late at night when I can't sleep I wonder if living among these savages has turned me into an actual sociopath. I think this is what is meant when it is said that you can't go home again, probably.
I made granola from a new recipe in this new-ish Junger book I have out from the library. Je demeure xox