The first thing you need to know is that a couple of weeks ago, I threw some hazelnuts into the food processor (because Fifille & I live on nut butters spread on apples) and I was surprised by how runny a hazelnut butter is.
Over the weekend, I did it again and added a half-cup of cacao powder & several spoonfuls of coconut oil. It worked out pretty well. I thought of adding those glittery cacao nibs, but it didn't last that long. Fille & I can go through a pound of nuts made butter in about three days, especially if we are on the run.
More weekend report: The Bob Dylan concert. It was great. He played in a beautiful venue where there are no bad seats, he played many songs from the 21stc, some of which I knew, but not because I'd purchased the albums or anything (they were on NPR affiliates). His voice is rough, like 100 miles of gravel road -- he sounds exactly as ever has Tom Waits. I thought about it, sitting there, listening, how maybe that is why Waits's arrangements are always so spare, so you can make him out over the music, which was hard to do, at times and a little bit, with Dylan in front of his five-piece band.
Mari & I talked about it, later, how his voice set up this bracing contrast for him to blow the pipes of his harp & change your mind about existence. It was staggering every time it happened. It was great & what a privilege to be able to see him at his age, doing what he wants. L'chaim.
I gathered, from reviews and comments about such & whatever else (the 2/3-empty theatre, perhaps) that people are upset because Bob Dylan does not want to tour as a fossil of the 1960s. Hey, you know: the 60s were a long time ago. Like a half-century ago. I think that
- It is an honor just to be in Bob Dylan's audience, honestly
- It is rude to present yourself at a presentation of a living legend & expect him to play some music from before you were born
- I think of how Bryan Ferry has a "new album" out and the first singles I have heard released from it sound exactly like anything pressed onto old-ass Bête Noire.
That latter is my bête noire, honestly. Please, let us be respectful of Dylan's want to move forward in his creativity & musicianship. The fact is if Dylan wanted to make a mint on tour, he could be like Neil Young or The Eagles or The Stones or any of these people who come out as relics and sing all these songs preserved in amber and charge hundreds of dollars for each seat, and ok. But seriously, no. Anyhow.
Also, this weekend, there was a party and that was OK. I know, you're like OK? Was it a party with Bob Dylan?? No, just parent-colleagues who don't smother their teens, didn't spend their 20s being afraid to leave the party + start a family already, and don't annoy us. They are relatively new to us & I am trying not to develop an immune response, yk? Small doses. In the main, their greatest appeal is their contentment, so familiar to Mari & me -- We're doing what we are doing because we want to & everyone else must be, too. I know. I wish, but everyone here needs you to ... well, anyway. Hey! Dreary personnel update!
Hogwarts called me a couple of weeks ago, blubbering & whining, no shit.
Garçon is so disrespectful! And defiant! And destructive of the harmony in our program we are seeking to create!
Um ... yes. We've told all of this to their outfit. Are they serious? Like, all-the-way WTF? What? But I didn't say any of that out loud. I said, "Omigosh, I had no idea! What on earth?" Then I waited, silently. You know why? Sun Tzu said if you feign disorder you can crush a motherfucker. Motherfuckers. Just motherfucking motherfuckers is who they are.
You know, it doesn't bother me that they were calling me, blubbering & whining & handwringing because they didn't know what on earth to do. Honestly, it has happened to every single highly-regarded, overpaid motherfucker who has been hired to help us with our son. Cry, crybaby, cry. Usually, in fact, what happens is they call & start off the dialogue with the words We quit & then they heave & moan about their troubles.
Well, I don't want Hogwarts to quit. They are doing a fine job, when they do what we tell them to do, which is a thing here, the thing where we have to remind them, quietly, that they work for us. Mari is in charge of informing them of that, invisibly & inaudibly from places they don't expect to look, so that they think doing our bidding was their idea.
And we keep, all the while, writing fat checks. As sayeth The Flylady, Everybody loves money.
Further, things are fine here in our little house -- no one is breaking anything or hitting anyone or pushing anything or anyone down the stairs. In months, the police have only been here to take a missing persons' report. Good enough. So, I was actually surprised by this phone call reporting my son's malfeasance at this place he honestly can't stand or see the point of.
But the thing that was making me so, so angry while I was hearing this poor, pitiful narrative from these put-upon people (who get paid, honestly, so O, boo-hoo-hoo) was that heretofore their whole response to any complaint Mari & I present is some kind of condescending twattery like, Well, if only you would [know what we & our stink-free shitting know so well] and Mari & I are always like, "Ok, keep on showing us your delicate sense of your own self, whatever. Reckless! Hubris!"
So I waited, silently, beatifically, for the door to be all the way open on the confession of their unenlightened vexation -- the part where I was told (omg, brace yourself) Well, and that he would basically be here & make a demand that we can not set limits on his behavior unless we put it in writing, that he would say "Fuck Dolores Umbridge," when he is basically in Dolores Umbridge's house -- I opened and shut my mouth like a trout three or four times, silently & then I ran all the way in.
Mari has been holding me back, tamping me down to keep me from showing my whole incredible resource (nemesis!) to these people, but I knew the time was right for me to take them all under my own control.
Gosh, I don't know. If Sloane & I had answers for how to manage that behavior, we would never have come to you with him. I understand your frustrations, certainly, and I am sorry he is subjecting you to these behaviors, but, you know, I guess only a little because the good thing is that now we can be all on the same page. I mean, you know, so much of what we have already had just feels to us like so much blaming and fingerpointing at me and Sloane and our parenting. But now I feel really so optimistic we can certainly work it out together going forward, just as you have with us, and we can truly help Garçon, instead of just what it is that you think you know about me & Sloane.
Hello? Hello, are you there? Omigosh, what is all these gallons of blood?!? Heck, oh, no, there's a fire over there!
Man, I was fucking pissed-off, which is why I was like a laser beam. I mean, I don't have to tell you they have not been helpful or considerate or willing toward us at all, not one bit because ugh ok. I should have been motherfucking Black Mamba.
The Israeli loves a Hogwarts story, and he was first on the scene, "They asked you what to do? Oh, wow, lady, I looked at your car & the transmission -- do you have another transmission I can put in here? It's bad!" I know! It's just like that! But worse bc all the arrogant dickwaddery we have had to endure!
Please do not think that I am so enlightened & mature all of a sudden that once the door was opened, I did not plant a couple of booby traps along the lines of:
When recently I have talked about this behavior, you have condemned my reaction as [x] and I am sure you understand now from whence this kind of reaction could come
I think of the time you told me Garçon acted like [x or y] because he was "in pain" and do you think that might be part of what is happening here? Let's unpack this.
I mean, I read Sun Tzu, it isn't that I am Sun Tzu, ahahaha!
Motherfuckers. But! in their truly tragic humiliation at the hands of my son, they seem to have gotten over themselves & we can probably keep moving right along, just like I told them we would. No thanks to them.
Hey, have a great holiday! In a moment of weakness I fell for some turkey marketing and I don't know why but for that of course I did, you know xoxoxox