I was holding Eve's space in the Sephora line the other day -- like, yk, how Mari & I do, where she was shopping & I got in line -- and things became less clear when I saw this in the cash lane.
Yk, bc if you are holding a space in line, it is for just one checkout event, one order. As it happened, no one got in the line behind me before she caught up, so we did not have to throw down about my line-holding (or her line-jumping?), and I was able to go to my own checkout girl to buy it. It's fine, for 3 days, but on this my third day I already forgot a pill. I'm bad with pills, even as I am a pill-popper by nature. I know.
Anyhow, it is fine & definitely detox-y. It took the whole five days since I have bought it for me to catch on to the joke of their "Flatter Me" formula. I thought it was "flatter," as in flattery, but it is as in flattening. LOLOL (not really, but I did notice if I take it before a meal which lags, I feel nauseous.) I know I am already xx-clean, but it is def not bullshit. I'm puffy & also exhausted, and plus: mop-water gurgling in my veins. I can't wait for bed tonight!
I told Ms Minty we would play hair & makeups soon & alors.
Yk, it was the day I cleaned my brushes & spread them across roasting racks to dry that the children knew I was preparing for an event of the likes they had never seen.
Fifille came into our bedroom on the day I thought to see how the length of the shearling coat I planned to wear went on with the dress I could finally wear with the only shoes I could wear. It was at the end of a time-trial of hair & makeup. She stopped and covered her mouth, laughing a little. Because she is 13, I presumed I had a booger on my eyebrow or somesuch, and went back to frowning at my hemlines' reflection.
I asked her to tell me what it was, scarcely looking at her.
She was still tickled, and I rolled my eyes at her because OMG srsly, get out of my room.
"It's just ... you look so fancy, Mommy."
Aw, ok, sweetheart!
Anyhow, yeah, this wasn't the kind of dress-up I do for just going out to come home & get laid by my man. This was a serious outing, come on. But it was sweet to watch her goggle, because I do dress like Roseanne Barr's eponymous character on her old sit-com 96% of the time (obvsly, in my mind, if you are dying laughing. Let's compromise at Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, ok?) so the difference was night & day.
Normally I wear eyeliner. There is a 50-50 chance on any day that I might wear lipstick. I wear sunscreen every day. If I want to be fancy-casual, I put on mascara. If we are going out to a concert, or any kind of a live show, I will wear jewelry besides my wedding band, but mostly I am dressed to clean the garage or solve mysteries with my canine pal.
Speaking of canines: Kowalski just enlightened me as to how the second result in a Google search for my blog is some irate poodle who can't believe the life I report living. Ahahaha! I've looked just like this, all my life, and the things it makes people do. Thank God!
Anyhow, so Fille's memoir will read, "And then early in 2015, our mother spread out all her brushes and started timing every little thing."
Things did reach a point, while I was packing our wardrobing department, when I realized I would have to bring a whole separate bag just to ensure the safe travel of my lighted makeup mirror. Seriously? Like Toddlers & Tiaras?
I was going to leave it, and bring Fille's hand -mirror/stand-mirror instead. Mari told me to nix that plan. Saturday, we were watching that Schwarzenegger Last Stand movie & his character said, Negative! Fall back immediately!
I whapped Mari on the bicep & told him, "That was just like you, about the mirror!" Ahahaha! But seriously, it was.
"You've been doing yr makeup in that mirror all this time. You don't know what kind of vanity lighting we will have in any NYC hotel room."
Que smarto, my guy. Let us once again admire my dazzling decison to accept his vow to be mine forever.
Here is what we have. Let us work from right to left bc that is how it has to be, how you start at the beginning & work yr way down.
Start with primer. For primer on my eyelids, I use MAC's Pro Longwear Paint Pot. I use the #190 foundation brush to paint it on. Honestly, get some brushes of your own. I hear people complain all the time about makeup, but really they are complaining about their own lack of tools. Don't try to use your fingers or the little sponge Q-tip that comes in the eyeshadow duo or the dirty powder puff in the compact. All of that stuff is fucking garbage. Plus, math? How will you put on three shadow colors -- browbone, crease, lid -- before you even get to the liner with that little, two-sided tampon in the compact? Not one of us is 12 any longer. Buy some real applicator tools.
Once you buy them, you have to keep them clean. You can use baby shampoo, a little rubdown with it, rinse them, store them flat until they dry, otherwise the water runs back into the brush binding & causes ruin. I use the brush cleaner that MAC sells. It is pink, so I keep it in a different room on a shelf so we don't use it to remove nail polish or I don't jam it on a cotton ball up to my eye by accident.
The other brushes there are the #266 which gets a daily workout with me for eyeliner, the #213, and I think a #217. The crease brush is from ELF, I am pretty sure. I use the big fluffy-puffy brush to blend my eyes off of my face, in the end of eyes, especially if I used anything sparkly.
I put my primer on my face & my eyes at the same time. Now, the last time I wore a full face of makeup to something, I was a child, truly, so if I wore foundation (which I do not believe; it was probably just a spattering of pressed powder), I would never have used primer. This time, too, I went around & around with primers. Normally, if I want to look a little evened-out -- well, let's start here: for going around every day, I wear sunscreen. Every night I wash off the sunscreen. I honestly do not think I would ever wash my face if not for the sunscreen.
I have been wearing sunscreen on my face every day since I was a teenager, when Clinique started really selling City Block. Lately, I have settled down with Neutrogena's Sheer Daily whatever it is (I like the new stick a lot, too). So let's get that out of the way, when people say I don't look my age, when people pooh-pooh my clean living, etc, I mean, look, clean living goes a long-ass way, but also, yes: I have been wearing sunscreen every single day for more than the last 25 years. So now you know, for when you build your time machine. In the meanwhile, you could see a lot of turning back time (like Cher!, who looks like $1,000,000, if you've seen her this century yet) if you laid off the sauce and the sugars.
Anyhow, in normal, cleaning-the-garage life with Scooby, if I want to look evened-out, I wear L'Oreal's Miracle Blur sunscreen. At night, for evening-out evened-out, I wear my Bobbi Brown foundation (more later) on my cheeks, where I have the freckling of time. That's it! I don't spend a lot of time peering at my skin in the mirror, scrutinizing my pores.
Pores! The pore drama! Which is a thing I found out about during these recent Primer Times! I was reading primer reviews & everyone was so "OMG, bc my pores are so, like, huge and, yk, gross!" I mean, don't hate me bc I'm beautiful but who is sitting around with all the grading & inspection of facial skin?
Which is what I was doing in our hotel bathroom, after I ironed Mari's shirt, and after sundown, but before we went out for his shave. I washed my face, washing off the day's sunscreen, and while I was moisturizing, I was inspecting, thinking, Why do I have to wear any base at all? My skin looks perfectly fine & well-cared-for & preserved like crazy. Why am I putting anything on top of my ineffable radiance? So I look "polished" and "dressed-up," instead of "natural." Patriarchy! Why are you like this to us?!?
Why, indeed. But, as rehearsed, before I discovered feminism in 2015, I did use the primer I had used all week -- L'Oreal Magic Lumi. It was light & not mattifying, which I found in an early trial was not what I wanted in a primer, at all. At the same time -- since I was going to wear a foundation -- I did not want it doing any settling into fine lines.
Ironically, the reason my skin looked so under-the-flourescents fine was because of the making-up. I was kind of dry, weather & all, & it became noticeable when I started putting layers on top of it. I wasn't the canvas I wanted to be for that paint. Which is how I started my affair with the Boots No 7 Hydrating Mask there. Glop it on, wipe it off. Use this enzyme exfoliant on alternate days, followed by witch hazel. The spirit of back to basics + moving forward, at once.
I used that yellow makeup sponge (the one that looks like a butt plug) to apply the primer, after I wet it thoroughly & then squeezed it out, plus rolled it in a towel. Then there is a dabbing of the sponge into whatever elixir & kind of jouncing it around, bouncing it off of your face, to apply whatever it is.
So while the primer on my face dried & set, I did my eyes. The trio I used was some ancient color scheme from Almay, which hardly matters bc when you are priming yr eyelids & using yr own tools, you can lather on any old drugstore formula & it works fine. You know how it goes -- browbone, lid, crease, liner. I lined all around with the Bobbi Brown Shadow Stick in the plum color, but then on the top lash line, I went over it with an old pink MAC on the #266 brush; Pink Venus, I think it is. I like to leave mascara until the end, the last thing I put on, before lipstick, but after that Tarte eyebrow stuff I love so much.
The mascara, natch, the late-lauded Miss Manga from L'Oreal's Voluminous line. It is the best mascara. No clumps, no lumps, no globs, not even with the in-the-tube brush. It is a little waterproofy for me, idk, but for this event, it was the thing to have. One coat! Don't tempt fate with coat #2!
But we are getting out of order. After eyes, shaded & lined, primer set, then comes the foundation. One true utility of foundation in a scheme with all the eyes' pigments is to cover over any micro-spills, yk? Like frosting can cover crumbs, but way much lighter. I use Bobbi Brown's Even Finish foundation in the compact. I let the girl sell it to me in the BB pop-up in Grand Central when Sal & I were there, the last time I was mystified in Midtown East, night after night.
That was the thing that Mari found marvelous, how I could not make sense of Midtown-after-dark. I hardly know Midtown in the light, but when the sun goes down, I am bonkers stupid. But we made it all around, on the E (WTF, the E?)
Anyhow, the foundation goes on really light & gorge with the butt plug sponge. I hope the person who invented that sponge method won an award. Then! Before you are quite blended to your contentment! (this is why before the mascara or lipstick or anything else) -- spray lightly with the Evian & then stipple yr blending to the end.
Then prime lips (I use MAC prep & prime and it needs time to get a little sticky), eyebrows done, and the mascara. Then earrings, then lipstick (I wore the pretty and discontinued MAC Plant A Kiss, because it is girlish and goth, at once), and I was good to go!
It was 20 minutes, the making up, which did not include the rigorous packing of my things before the trip, so that eyes, brushes & primers were all together, with foundations, lips, and eye-finishes in a different bag. The up-do was 15 minutes (first thing, natch), but that did not include assembling the sections of the hair the night before. So, it was just a pony, with a pompadour comb just below where the peineta was going to sit, to make sure it did not slide down & in doing so, tear out my chignon, you see? So it was like a peineta's harness. So, in front of my ears, from ear to ear, I had parted my hair. I made a center portion, with two wings, if you see. Then I braided all the sections, all four, before bed, so that when I woke up, after my shower & some dry-shampooing, I could put it up, BAM. I used Goody stay-put elastics on the ponytail, a ton of Elnett on the pompadour positioning above it. Seventeen thousand pins to place it all.
The sponge-square, like a net beignet, at the top of the supplies photograph? I rolled that up in the ponytail (which, omg, with curls, flattened, was srsly 2 feet long, ridiculous), jammed it to my head, pinned it, pulled the hair rolled around it to turn the corner of the edge, if you see what I mean, and pinned that in place.
Sprayed with another pound of Elnett, and then I wound the side pieces to pull back & cover the elastic and all the pins holding the beignet on. Like so (kind of, but with more pins & supports & props for a mantilla, and my sides at the temples, not behind my ears).
To undo, well, Elnett brushes right out, whew. Ren Centifolia Cleansing Balm is the best-best to get everything off. That is what is in that tiny little jar, which I filled from the full jar too-big for our bathroom shelves before Christmas. I use it when I have a lot of eyes on & when I feel grimy, yk? Or, a full face of makeup. It takes a baby's thumbnail amount to wash a whole face silky-clean.
Don't you wish this were a vlog? Me, too! Love you so much! xoxox